19. No hiding

Journeys > 19. No hiding

Jacob’s a strong wee boy. When he falls, he quickly gets up, takes a look around and usually says ‘it’s okay, I’m alright’. Sometimes it seems to be as much to convince himself, as it is to reassure Andy and I. But on those rare occasions when he really takes a winding, I love it when he runs into my arms, buries his face into my shoulder and says ‘I want my mama’. In those moments, all I want to do is smother him with love, affection, attention and reassurance. The intimacy of those moments will always bring out the deepest maternal tenderness in me.

Today’s been a first, for instead of Jacob running to me, I’ve been the one in need of that outlet and safe-haven. Andy’s been in Glasgow filming and even though only away for the day, I seem to have missed him more than ever. Today, for no apparent reason, I’ve spontaneously found big fat tears flowing intermittently down my cheeks. Maybe it’s because my sister’s now gone home; maybe it’s the fact that 2 weeks since hearing this tumour is chemo resistant we still don’t know the clear next steps; maybe it’s the weight of the ongoing nature of this battle; maybe it’s the mounting physical chemo side effects, or maybe it’s simply tiredness. Whatever it is, I’ve felt the need to let it flow and just be held.

Over the past three months, on occasions, I’ve needed to give myself a good talking to, to ensure my soul doesn’t overshadow what my spirit needs to hear. But for some reason today, God has been encouraging and helping me to simply pour out the burden to Him. This is what it is – I have cancer and in many ways, it’s the biggest leveller I’ve ever experienced. But there’s no why? to be answered, no blame to be apportioned and no guilt to be carried. So the ability to simply decant the sadness, without judgment, anger or remorse brings such comfort. In the same way Jacob will slowly rediscover contentment and reassurance in my arms, I too receive the same calming, softening affirmation. To know I am loved is all I need in this moment. And I know I am – deeply.

Sometimes we don’t need to over analyse, we don’t need to justify, we don’t need to push on through, we just need to feel it. As I give in to this, I know God’s waiting with huge open arms to take it. Thank goodness we are not alone. The ability to just be able to cry and yet, still be certain of the end outcome brings both release and intimacy in equal measure. With no mask, no barrier and no restraint, I realise the value of this vulnerability. For it’s in this place, I open myself up to be extravagantly loved. The simplicity and closeness of this is profound.

With a big, much needed reassuring hug from Andy, he reminds me this too will pass. He’s right. Today has just been one moment in time. I’m reminded that in and of myself, I’m unable to carry this and it makes me all the more thankful that thanks to all I’ve been given, I will never have to.

‘You keep track of all my sorrows.You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book’

Psalm 56:8 NLT