11. In the rock - part one

Journeys > 11. In the rock - part one

Suddenly, my hair is thinning – and fast. Despite pulling out clump after clump, there’s a trail of its presence everywhere. In the security of home, church and our neighbourhood this is fine – people know me and understand the situation. But today was a challenge. Attending a conference in Edinburgh, what accompanied the anticipation of the event was the most acute, potent self-consciousness gripping me on the inside. Walking into a room full of strangers looking this way, really tested the courage in me. Stepping into the large bright room, through a mirrored wall, a glimpse of my own reflection shocked me, so much so, I almost didn’t recognise myself. The reflection was haunting and it just wasn't me. Momentarily, the strength I’ve known all these weeks was gate-crashed. For fleeting moments, I wanted to run, I wanted to hide and I wanted to cry. Without the safety of my (very big!) curly hair, I felt naked, stripped back and an emotion that was incredibly raw. The emotion was a vulnerability that seemed immoveable.

Were the thinning gaps in my hair really obvious? What were people thinking? Would people misinterpret this rather severe crew cut? What judgment would people make about who I was? These thoughts had the real potential to freeze my freedom and it was another moment of choice – to block out the fantasy of what my imagination wanted to conjure up, or to remind myself of who I really was. I chose the latter. Retiring to the privacy of the loo’s, provided a momentary escape to re-group and re-connect with truth. As I prayed, an even more powerful reality came flooding in – something that trumps any intimidation circumstances may throw my way - I have all of Jesus in me and this includes His fortitude. As the magnitude of this took hold in my spirit, the same heart of confidence I have known for weeks started to grow once again.

Reflecting on the day, there’s an immediate parallel to the crown of thorns placed on the head of Jesus just before His crucifixion, in a mocking bid to humiliate our King. He endured this with the grace and love of someone who knew He was victory. Today, I have decided to do the same. I don’t quite yet feel it – the vulnerability is still there. But it doesn’t stop me from believing it.

‘May He grant you out of the riches of His glory, to be strengthened and spiritually energized with power through His Spirit in your inner self, [indwelling your innermost being and personality]’

Ephesians 3:16 AMP