9. The path is rocky...

Journeys > 9. The path is rocky...

It’s a week since the chemo and, to date, the side effects have been surprisingly manageable. It’s been a glorious sunny day so dusting off the running shoes was an easy decision, their second outing since coming back home. The wind was icy on my face but it felt so freeing to stretch my legs, take in the fresh air and get my heart rate going again. But no more than ten minutes in, there was an unfamiliar, and wholly unpleasant  burn in my chest - the heat and discomfort from the lactic acid forming inside. Chemo kills off the blood cells, not just the cancer, so my body is clearly changing and that’s quite a sobering thought.

Reflecting on the day, I think about how much I have previously taken for granted. Good health has certainly been one of them. There’s so much in life to be thankful for – have I truly appreciated it when I should? I’ve never been an ill person, have always had a good immune system and have enjoyed being fit and healthy all my life. The thought of becoming ill starts to make me feel vulnerable. Independent and with a strength to push on through, good old Yorkshire pride was instilled from a young age. What happens if that ability is taken away?

Every day I rely on God for spiritual, emotional and intellectual strength. What will it be like if I also need to rely on Him for physical strength during times of less resilience? Job immediately comes to mind. Will the same passion, unwavering faith and courage still exist if I lose my health for a time? Intuitively the answer is yes… but the almost inevitable physical pain in the future is not something to look forward to.

Within, there’s conflict in wrestling with the physical being rather than the spiritual one. The simple fact is that God’s never needed to cover me this way. Let them in and emotions can take over, what follows is fear, so over many years there’s been a slow (and sometimes painful!) process of learning not to be ruled by unchecked thoughts and feelings. Deciding to ignore my soul’s demands has been a key lesson in life, but what’s now needed is the same degree of trust with the physical symptoms too.

2 Corinthians 5:7 springs to mind; ‘For we live by faith, not by sight’. This is the faith in which I live, I know I am being tested and it’s time to lean in. When we believe, we receive, so I chose faith in the strength that is to come, not sight of the evidence before me right now.

‘Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, “Why could we not cast it out?” So Jesus said to them, “Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you.’

Matthew 17:19-20 NKJV