5. Facing the mountain

Journeys > 5. Facing the mountain

Anyone who knows me, knows the story of Jacob; he is our miracle little boy. Told we would never have a family of our own, after ten years of trying and numerous miscarriages along the way, he was our gift from God. So we know miracles do happen. We’ve always valued every precious moment with him, none more so than now. As I look upon his sleeping frame, I want to just hold him close and breathe in his soft, contented sighs. As I watch him, I see how beautiful he is and I melt. Words just can’t express the love I feel for him. And as I watch the gentle rise and fall of his chest, it’s as if God is catching my attention in a moment of intimacy. In an instant, I feel God’s embrace and the peace that comes from knowing my heavenly father is here. 

But at 5 years old, I am thankful Jacob has no reference point for what the word cancer means. Despite this, seeing the look of horror on his little face, when he saw me for the first time with short cropped hair today was awful. ‘I want your long curly hair back mummy’ was all he could cry.

Chemo is to start next week and I am told this particularly toxic combination will mean I lose my hair quickly. When it was cut short, I was amazed by how liberating it felt to sit and watch my locks fall to the floor. Coming along for moral support, my sister provided some much needed reassurance about the end result of this rather drastic change. Supportive as she is, I still couldn’t help but catch the tear in her eye as the first snips were made.

It's funny because I have always taken care with my appearance, but I realise now, I am really not defined by it. I’m defined by who I am in God. In that hairdressers chair, with every snip I felt stronger and it was as if a reminder was being breathed into my very being; ‘in the grand scheme of time, it’s but a short passing phase’.  God is the author of hope. So even though there are days to come which, in the natural sense at least, may be hard – not just for me, but for so many people, I am lifted to a place of serenity. Despite what I see tangibly before me, spiritually what I see is a wonderful future, from a God who sees His cherished daughter – the apple of His eye. 

 ‘For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.’

Romans 8:14-17 NIV