4. The heartache of others

Journeys > 4. The heartache of others

I will never forget the look in my mums eyes, the confusion on her face and the physical reaction as I saw her body fold into the chair in which she sat. How do you ever tell those you love such devastating news? ‘Are you pregnant?’, she first offered in hope, when I said I had something to tell her. My family know we have always longed for another child, but the jest in her voice quickly disappeared as the real reason for my visit was revealed. It was to be the first of many painful conversations and it broke my heart, to know this news was breaking theirs.

I consider myself utterly blessed to be surrounded by so many incredible people – people who are undoubtedly a core to my strength.  I’m very, very fortunate to have the most wonderful husband, little boy, family, friends, neighbours, business clients and church. But as we have started to tell people, I have found it so difficult to not be able to make it all okay for them. I’ve found myself wanting to reassure, encourage and take away the fear people have. Some seem to think I am in denial, or putting on a brave face; others ask how it can’t help but test my faith. Some are angry, others are optimistic, some are practical, others are philosophical. It all comes from a place of love, concern and heartfelt compassion. How do you explain the hope, faith and belief that cements your mind, when all people see is doubt, sadness and pain? How is this not rocking your beliefs, so many have said?

Beyond the incredible people around me, something else comes from the deepest cavern of my spirit. How can I help people to understand this something that only means life, strength and victory to me? Even as I write this, I’ve noticed a swelling of empowerment, a resolute defiance against this cancer. Where is it coming from? I could easily be scared and inundated with impossible questions about an unknown future… What of Andy and Jacob? What of my precious family and friends? What of my business partner and our shared life mission? What of my purpose and what I am here to do in this world? What of God and where is He now?… But before these thoughts take me captive, a valour arises inside me that bypasses all logic and reason. This courage seems to invisibly arise from my spirit - the empowerment I feel is God in me – it all comes from Him. So instead of fear, all I see is hope.

In this moment a reality hits me like a bullet from a gun. I can’t convince anyone of His goodness, His faithfulness or the reality of His presence – only God can do that.  Maybe I shouldn’t try and instead, only be. I can walk this out, the only way I know how – I walk it out in God’s strength, with His peace and with His assured protection.

‘He shall cover you with His feathers, And under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler.‘                                                Psalm 91:4 NKJV